Paying the Price

Let's jump into it.

I'm coming out the closet today. It may be shocking to some of my friends and family, but I can't bear to live this lie any longer. As a counselor, I've been required to go to several AA meetings throughout my career and I've learned (and truly believe) that the first step to recovery begins with admitting you have a problem.

Hi, My Name is Christina and I am a nerd.

Let me begin by saying, I'm a Leo and I can be as dramatic as I'd like in this entry! Next, you're right. I might be slightly exaggerating by using the term "nerd", but I guess what I'm trying to say is over the years I have discovered that I am certainly a knowledge whore. This millennium boob-tube (a.k.a. computer) makes it more difficult for me to fight my disease. In a 24 hour period, I can't even count the number of searches I conduct (e.g. I google movie listings, the latest news, download music, I comparison shop, use conversion charts, or sometimes I just type a question and wait for all of the results).

MSS (my search sickness) is the catalyst for this post. You see, as usual, I was on the phone with my BFF. We chatted about various topics, but the one that always stands out in each of our conversations are those involving black men. So, as usual, we swapped baggage and came up with a host of hypothesis--and no real answers to any of the questions that plague the black community. But today---I had enough. I was sick of thinking of answers on my own. Tired of us brainstorming with no REAL information on our side. So....I googled it...."African Americans and Marriage" and Boy oh Boy did I get an eye full...

First, Did you know that there's an organization solely dedicated to encouraging marriage in the black community? They sponsor events and everything. Second, did you know that "Black Marriage Day" has been celebrated since 2003 in various parts of the United States? (Shit, where have I been?) It falls on the fourth Sunday of March every year. This year it was March 22nd and next year it will be March 28th. Third, Did you know that there is some serious discussion amongst lawmakers about adjusting policies to make marriage among African Americans more appealing/beneficial? and Fourth (the biggest whammy of them all), Did you know that black women benefit the least out of marriage when compared to whites and her black male counterpart AND (as if that weren't enough) black women tend to be LESS healthy than unmarried black women. WTF???



So, I came across this research article entitled, "The Consequences of Marriage for African Americans". Basically, the article confirms many of the ideas that are the platform for AAHMI (African American Healthy Marriage Initiave). Overall, African-Americans who are married are better off that those who are not. According to the study, blacks benefit more financially from marriage and bring in more annual income than their white counterparts, they tend to be happier than those of them who are not married, and their children are less likely to get pregnant as teens or end up involved in the justice system.

Specifically, black men were found to benefit the most from marriage when compared to whites and black women.

1. Evidence suggests that African American men benefit economically from marriage to a greater extent than other men, because married black women are more likely to be employed than other married women.
2. Married African American men have higher household incomes than never-married African American men, hold higher levels of assets, and are less likely to live in poverty. Households headed by a married black couple earned almost two-thirds more than the average black household, and black men are 30 percent less likely to live in poverty once they marry.
3. Married black men are more likely to report excellent or good physical health, as opposed to fair or poor health. They are less likely to experience physical distress such as headaches, back pain, stomach or bladder problems, and limited upper or lower body mobility, and are less likely to suffer from chronic diseases such as arthritis, hypertension, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease.

So...the million dollar question is ...why is it so difficult to get black men---you know, the ones who appear to have ALL THE BENEFITS TO MARRIAGE... to jump the broom? The answer? Who knows---I didn't google that question.

There were a few things pointed out.

1. Black men who are already making a pretty good income on their own are less likely to get married.
2. Black men who are married tend to be affiliated with a church of some sort and are more active in their communities as a result.
3. Black men are less eager to move towards marriage if they are not ready for children, don't make enough money, or aren't sure if they can fulfill the expectations of the role of "husband".
   

What's so crazy is that from everything I read---If marriage comes first, their income increases, they have a better family life, their children are likely to walk the righteous path, and they'll live longer.

Silly Black men. The thing that scares you the most---Is the thing you need the most....
Silly Black women. The thing we long for the most--Is that which may kill us.

Before MSS, I was just engaged.
Now, I'm engaged AND depressed.

Any Questions?

Get Yo Hand Out My Pocket !

While most little girls were watching their moms cook, I was doing my homework and playing with cabbage patch kids. As a result, whenever I have to cook anything deeper than frying chicken or browning meat for tacos, I have to call home for a list of ingredients with specific cooking instructions. Needless to say, (regardless of the recipe or the ingredients) WHATEVER I cook, never turns out the way my mom's does....but that's a different story for a different time....

Today, I am inclined to discuss a topic that tends to get a lot of mention in social circles when talking about relationships--both friendships and those involving significant others.

T R U S T

Now, I'm not trying to be the fabulous host of a very classy pity party, but I have had a number of past relationships that make this very ingredient hard to come by. It's like that series on CNN "Black In America" when they exposed the fact that many fruits and vegetables are not easily attainable in urban areas--especially those populated by African-Americans. Well, as far as I'm concerned----they could have added Trust right behind Asparagus and fresh tomatoes. Why? Because as I look in my social circles---ALL of the women I know are desperately trying to find it in hopes of adding a new flavor in their lives. Today, I am taking the opportunity to examine this much needed ingredient and brainstorm new ways of bringing it back to our communities and back to our lives.

First, I think it's important to know what happened to it. Did we ever have it? Did we lose it? Do we have it and just don't know what it looks like? Well Ladies, the answer is NO. A big FAT NO--to all of those above.

Yes Ladies...we were ROBBED.

It has been my observation that all of the muggings were done differently. Some of us had crafty thieves--taking a little bit of our trust everyday with a lie here and a lie there. Others of us, may have been clubbed over the head and had our trust snatched right out of our hands. A few of us had ample supply of trust---but after giving it and giving it ( to no avail)--looked up one day to discover there was no more left. And last but not least, I think a couple of us had it stolen so early in life (usually by family members or close family friends) we barely knew what it looked like--and wouldn't be able to recall the last time we possessed an ounce of it.

How does a woman move on when the man she currently loves or the men that she has loved in the past have all taken this ingredient--leaving her with nothing but lint in her pocket? What do you do when you don't have any extra tucked in the box spring of your mattress and you can't find it around the corner or at a local mart?

To Be Continued....

No Laughing Matter....

As a little girl, there were so many mysteries to this world......

How do the stars stay in the sky?

Where do babies REALLY come from?

Who invented chewing gum and why?

Why do we change the clocks in the spring and the fall?

Is Goofy a dog or a person?

As with most things, each answer revealed itself in time. Some answers made sense---others, not so much. But each question became easier to uncover the truth as I became older and wiser. With age, I have found that my curiosity hasn't dissappeared, but the focus has shifted.



Will he be a good father?

Is it me? Or is the sex different?

Am I judged by merit alone at work?

Will I be a good mother?

Am I mean to people?

why are relationships so difficult?

Am I ready for Marriage?

....Then...we rented Chris Rock....

Initially, I laughed. 10 minutes after it was over---I couldn't help wonder if that's really how he saw marriage. Is that how MOST men viewed marriage and relationships?? Then it made me terribly sad. If Chris had stayed awake for the entire routine---how hard would he have laughed at the jokes?

Growing up, I was so certain I'd get married to the man of my dreams and we'd have kids. I guess I was too young to wonder if a woman's "happily ever after" was equivalent to a man's "worse nightmare".

Naturally, my thoughts made me second guess how funny the material was...



What's up with that??